the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
