shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
