Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
