My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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