does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
