you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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