Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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