We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
