What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
