I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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