I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
