8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
