??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
