Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
