'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
