dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
