It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
