dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
