You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
