just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
