if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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