U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
