That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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