you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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