Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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