I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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