One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
