First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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