I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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