My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Is it penis luge time yet?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
