life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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