not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
