I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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