They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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