how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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