dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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