Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
