for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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