A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
