im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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