i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
