Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
