Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
