i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Nobody cheats on THIS.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
