I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
