Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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