Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
