I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
