If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
