Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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