Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
