what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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