Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
