Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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