Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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