Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize