We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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