Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
